Me confieso una persona que ante la duda de la existencia de Dios y quizá ante la no existencia de una prueba clara de que él nos rodea dudaba también de la chispa que le da vida a la materia. Sin embargo, el 5 de febrero del presente año 2009 ante una pérdida dolorosa de un ser muy querido por mi creo haber comprendido que efectivamente aquella chispa es el alma, pero... qué pasará con el alma cuando deja la materia y el cuerpo presente y sin vida comienza de nuevo el ciclo natural de la vida y vuelve a formar parte de otra vida al descomponerse?
La respuesta estoy segura que no la sabremos, pero el encuentro espiritual vivido nuevamente sólo me hace preguntarme más y más cosas que seguirán sin repuestas.

En memoria de mi Nicky.

Sólo bastaron dos semanas de "contingencia sanitaria" para poner al país en una crisis peor que la de 1994 y que el gobierno declarara una recesión económica que ha afectado a miles de ciudanos, muchos de ellos los cuales ya vivían con menos de $50 pesos diarios para mantener una familia de más de 3 miembros. Ocurrieron muchas cosas que pusieron en duda una acción política adecuada ante éste tipo de desastres como los manejos de servicios de salud, aprovaciones a políticas públicas que no se dieron a conocer con su debida importancia en noticieros, aumentos de precios y pérdidas de empleos.
Y es todavía más lamentable que el único medio masivo de comunicación (la TV) al que muchos ciudadanos tienen acceso sólo se limiten a inyectar el miedo por un virus en más de la mitad de lo que dura sus noticieron y dejar a un lado los temas que afectan directamente al país y a sus ciudadanos.

I met my boyfriend this year at school but the year is drawing to a close and we live in different provinces and he’s going home for the summer. We want to stay together but I know that long-distance relationships don’t last. We talked about having an open relationship for the summer but that seems like it probably won’t work either. I just don’t know if we’ll be able to wait four months to have sex again. What do you recommend?

I think I read somewhere that sexual activity peaks during exam seasons. So on the plus side; it looks like you’re in for a good time this month. But when it comes to the summer, if you decide to stay together you might need to try some creative problem solving. I can offer two suggestions:

1) Cyber-sex and phone-sex tend to have a bad rep but some couples consider them a fun alternative to sex, even when they’re in the same city. This could be because cyber-sex and phone-sex can last longer than sex and partners tend to be more creative than they would be in person. Also, not being in the same room sometimes makes you braver and sometimes people see the kinkier side of their partners.
2) Another thing you might want to consider, and I don’t know how deep your pockets are, is teledildonics which are sex toys that can simulate the experience of intercourse. These toys come in a variety of different designs but they provide your partner the ability to control your sex toy from a different location.

When it comes to the open relationship comment, it’s hard to give an answer because the only problem that you’ve mentioned is sex. To be honest, sleeping with other people over the summer with the intention of getting back together when the school year starts seems like it might be a recipe for disaster to me. That being said, many couples have successfully done it. However, the plus side to the summer without sex is that it’s the safest sex you can have and you’ll save loads on condoms.

I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple of months and we’ve had sex but she won’t let me go down on her. She says I don’t need to and that it makes her feel self-conscious. She’s cool with going down on me but she doesn’t let me return the favor. It’s not just that I like going down on girls (because I really do) but I just feel like it’s not fair to expect her to go down on me if she doesn’t want me to go down on her. I just want to know if there is some way that I can make her feel more comfortable without forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

This situation is tough because you really need to be careful not to cross the line and ask your girlfriend to do something that she doesn’t want to do but at the same time, so many sexual experiences can be uncomfortable at first and it’s normal to assume that with some ‘practice’ it will be pleasurable. I would say that in this situation you are working with at least 3 different barriers:

1) Smell/Taste: A lot of women are self conscious about the smell and, to a lesser extent, taste of their genitals. I mean, why wouldn’t they be? Popular culture has definitely given them a reason. The ‘fishy’ smelling vagina is the punch-line for a lot of movies targeted to high school/college students. A healthy vulva will have a natural musky smell and every woman comes with unique ‘flavour’ and a lot of women don’t know that.
2) Appearance: Vulvas come in a variety of designs and colors; they’re a lot like Volvos in that way. Despite this, there is a general consensus about what a ‘normal vulva’ should look like; this includes minimal labia and symmetry. That being said, very few women actually meet the criteria for having a ‘normal vulva’.
3) Hair: It’s really not as simple as shaving it off if you’re uncomfortable with it. Hair is typically associated with masculine imagery and a lot of women are unsure about how they feel about their hair and what to do with it.

I think your best approach is to keep these things in mind and to talk to your girlfriend about what the root of the problem is. If she’s the type of person who shies away from these types of topics, I would encourage you to make the conversation more about you. Talk about why you want to go down on her and maybe address a couple of the points that I’ve mentioned (but keep in mind that they might not be the reason that she doesn’t want to do it). The way that you phrase your reasons is also important (ie. ‘I like the taste/smell, etc.’ is a lot more validating than ‘I don’t mind the taste/smell, etc.’). Also, if it turns out that she has insecurities about her smell or taste, try using a dental dam (it’s pretty much a condom sheet). They tend to be flavoured and it will provide a barrier between your mouth and her vulva which might make her more comfortable (and it will also protect you from STIs). Keep in mind that she might just not be into it and if that’s the case, you should respect her boundaries. But I think that talking about it will be a step in the right direction.

I have been sexually active for about two years now and I’m pretty sure I’ve had an orgasm. Well, I’ve had a clitoral orgasm but to be totally honest I can’t find my g-spot. My friend said g-spot orgasms are mind-blowing and that my g-spot shouldn’t be that hard to find. She tried to explain it to me but I couldn’t feel anything. I am really curious! Is there anything you can tell me?

Finding your G-spot is kind of like driving downtown, you have to know where you’re going or you’ll get lost. The best thing to do is probably look up a diagram but I can try to give you a little road map. The G-spot is located approximately 2-3 inches inside the vagina towards the front and has a ridged texture. “The erectile tissue that makes up the G-spot is actually an internal part of the clitoris, part of the same network of interconnected tissue and nerve endings” (Solot & Miller, I Love Female Orgasm). If you want to visualize it, it’s basically on the opposite side of the clitoris; the clitoris is external and the G-spot is internal. Actually, a common reason that a lot of women never achieve G-spot orgasms is because they expect the sensation to be similar to a clitoral orgasm when it is actually quite different.

Aside from giving you a general location, there isn’t much more I can say to help. Orgasms in general are complex; and there’s a reason why people think that the G-spot is a myth. In some cases the G-spot is similar to the clitoris and is more sensitive when the female is aroused so it might be easier to find during sexual activity. Of course every person is different and while some people require a great deal of pressure when it comes to finding their G-spot some do not need that much pressure at all. So while the information that I can provide you is limited, there are a lot of resources on G-spot orgasms (including one’s you can access for free from the S.E.C. office) and you should take advantage of them.

I dated this guy for 3 months and I was really into him and then he broke up with me last month out of the blue. I just don’t understand why and it’s not like we only dated for a couple of weeks. We got along really well, we had a lot in common and his friends really seemed to like me. I just didn’t see it coming. I tried to get him back but he doesn’t want to get back together. I just feel like he didn’t see my ‘A-Game’! I want another chance! What should I do?

I hate to say it…but this kind of sounds like a ‘he’s just not that into you’ situation. When people find themselves at the receiving end of a break up they have a lot of the power taken away from them. It’s natural to try to take control of the situation by figuring out ways to improve the relationship or figure out things that you might have done wrong but the reality is that there isn’t anything that you could have changed. There are probably a lot of reasons that the relationship didn’t work out. It hard to speculate what those reasons are but realistically it could have been a number of things. He might not have been ready to settle down in a relationship or he might not have felt the same connection that you felt. Either way, even if he was to agree to try again, chances are that he would still feel the same way and that would eventually lead to the same result.

Relationships often seem longer when you’re in them, but from an external point of view it doesn’t seem like the relationship lasted that long. It seems like it was just long enough for both of you to decide whether or not you were compatible. It’s hard because obvious you felt like he was someone that you wanted to continue a relationship with and he didn’t feel that way. But it’s likely that he wasn’t making that decision impulsively and that’s something that you need to come to terms with.

Also, you didn’t mention much about the break-up itself but based on your question it sounds like it was kind of ambiguous. I encourage you to ask him why the relationship ended and why he didn’t want to continue. Without knowing, you’re going to continue to think that there was something that you could have changed or done to make him want to stay in a relationship with you. It’s possible that he won’t want to answer your questions but it’s natural to want to know and getting answers to some of your questions might help resolve some of the feelings that you’re experiencing. I know that you think that he didn’t see your ‘A-Game’ but the person that you were for those 3 months was probably a more accurate representation of your personality and your A-Game would be exact that, a game.

I know it’s hard to see it now but this is actually a good thing. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has doubts about you? You deserve more than that. What’s good is that now you’ve identified some characteristics that you want your partner to have. Everyone leaves each relationship with valuable lessons and now you will be able to apply them to your next relationship.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a long time and he’s a year older than me. Last year he graduated and he works full time now but I’m still a student. It was okay in the beginning because he was excited about his new job but now he’s gotten into this rhythm of going to bed early and I usually like to stay up really late. Because of this, we’ve been having trouble finding time to have sex. A lot of my classes are at night or in the afternoon so I’ll normally get home at about 10 pm and he’s usually ready to go to bed around that time. In the morning he sometimes wants to have sex but I’m usually too tired. I don’t know what to do; our schedules aren’t going to change! It’s really starting to stress us out. Any advice?

Because I’m not able to suspend time for you, the solution to your problem is going to have to come down to scheduling. There’s really not much you can do in this situation other than making time for each other. That being said, you can be creative about it:

1) There’s a difference between work and sex (well…for most people). Sex is something that you need to be in the mood for and it’s hard to get there if you’re concerned about scheduling it in. You need to start getting excited about having sex again. Instead of psyching yourselves out about it or worrying about when you’re going to find time to have sex you need to want to make time for it. If the only time that you two are together is when you get home from school then you should focus on that time. Try talking throughout the day on the phone or through emails about what you’re going to do when you get home. That way, the anticipation will build up throughout the day and you’ll want to have sex when you get home.

2) Also, I know that you claim that there isn’t a chance to have sex but it doesn’t sound like there are no opportunities. If he’s still awake when you get home from school, there’s an opportunity to have sex then. It seems like the problem could be that your energy levels are peaking at different times of the day. There are a lot of things that both of you could do that could boost your energy (ie. Working out, eating healthy, etc.). But another way to get your energy levels more in sync is by getting your schedules more in sync. Since his schedule is slightly less flexible it seems like you’ll need to do more of the compromising. It doesn’t need to be a permanent change but 2 or 3 times a week you could try going to bed the same time as your boyfriend and making up for the time you lose at night in the morning.

3) Lastly, and maybe I’m making an assumption here, but this seems to be a temporary situation. You didn’t have problems with your schedules when you were both in school together and chances are that when you finish school and get on a regular work schedule that you’ll both have the same rhythm. It’s important to remember that because it might decrease some of the stress that you’ve been experiencing about this issue.

It’s hard to be the one who needs to compromise especially if your schedule is the one that you both use to follow when you were both students. But as long as you are both willing to work on your sexual relationship and time is the only problem, it’s nice that you are in a position where you are able to be more flexible. It’s important to realize now that sometimes finding time to be intimate isn’t going to come easily. A lot of couples have incompatible work schedules and that tends to be a lot more permanent.

A year ago my friend told me that he thinks he’s transgendered. Ever since, I’ve felt kind of uncomfortable around him because I don’t really understand what that means. I want to feel comfortable around him but I feel weird whenever I need to use pronouns. And I don’t really get the whole transgendered thing anyway. If he wants to be a girl why doesn’t he dress like one?

Well first off, I would probably stop calling it a 'thing'. That kind of trivializes the experience and this is probably a big deal for your friend. Also, because ‘transgendered’ is an umbrella term that includes all the different kinds of gender-identities that aren’t normative it’s hard to know what being ‘transgendered’ means to your friend without knowing him. What’s important here is that you recognize that your friend is going through a confusing stage in his life and while it’s understandable that you have pre-existing ideas about what being 'transgendered' means, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are going to apply to your friend.

When it comes to pronouns, I would ask your friend which pronouns he’d like you to use. If you don’t feel comfortable asking, I would say that the rule of thumb is to use the pronoun that fits the gender that they are presenting as (i.e. if they are dressed like a man: use 'he', 'him', etc.). His personal preference might depend on how much he disassociates with the gender assigned to him at birth (and there is a spectrum) but it could also depend on whether he wants to ‘out’ himself as someone who is transgendered. Unless he tells you otherwise, I wouldn’t start referring to him as a ‘her’ without some kind of permission. It’s possible that you are one of the few people he currently feels comfortable telling and using the opposite pronouns might force him to reveal his gender identity to people he isn’t comfortable doing so with. Being transgendered doesn’t automatically lead to a sex change. Sometimes people just want to explore their gender-identity and decide not to pursue any changes.

I think it’s great that you are thinking about this stuff and that you’re being honest about the way that you feel but it seems like you’re getting bogged down with the details. It’s important to recognize that this change in your relationship is hard for your friend as well, and your acceptance probably means a lot to him. Remember that, and just be open about your concerns and questions. Your friend will probably appreciate the thought behind it more than the embarrassment of having you ask. Try to put yourself in your friend's position, though, it is possible that he will not even have all of the answers himself. Don't worry and over think this too much, or you risk making it about you and not your friend, which is really not fair to either of you.

I’ve been toying around with the idea of using sex toys during sex. The thing is that my boyfriend thinks they’re gross and he shoots down my suggestions when I bring them up. We’ve been together for 3 years and we’ve never been experimental with sex. We’re simple people but we’ve both agreed that we want to spice up our sex life. The problem is that the only thing he seems to want to do is have sex at our friend’s house and other public places. I’m really not interested in public sex but should I be compromising so that we can try what I want?

While I would tend to agree with you about the compromise thing, I don’t think it applies in this situation. This isn’t about compromise, it’s about comfort levels. You can’t do something just because you think that you should. It’s great that both of you agree that you want to spice up your sex life and it looks like you’ve both brought some suggestions to the table. Of course, it doesn’t help that they are drastically different suggestions but there’s hope if both of you are willing to be open-minded. Making any kind of change when it comes to sex is complicated because you need to do it for the right reasons. You need to figure out what you’re both comfortable with and respect each other’s boundaries. In the interest of giving you some answers I’m going to assume that you’re both willing to explore each other’s interests. That being said, it’s up to you two to negotiate each other’s boundaries.

1) Let’s deal with your boyfriend first. Public sex is actually a common fantasy. It could be because the idea of getting caught is exhilarating but my hunch is that the real reason is that when sex is no longer exclusively a bedroom activity the opportunities to have sex increase (and who doesn’t want that to happen?). Either way, there are obvious consequences to this particular spice, like getting caught. The exhilaration that comes with the idea of getting caught usually goes away when you actually get caught. These are things you need to consider before you make your decision. Pick low-profile places because consequences tend to increase the more public the location. And if the getting caught factor is a deal-breaker, you could always try playing an ‘outdoor noises’ soundtrack in the bedroom.

2) If you’re thinking about introducing sex toys into your sex life you probably want to try easing your boyfriend into the idea (ie. The Ultimate Orgasmator 2009 is probably not the sex toy for you). Start small. Try something that is relatively little and non-threatening. A lot of people feel intimidated when their partners want to use sex toys during sex because they interpret it as criticism of their performance. Also, there’s a lot of stigma attached to sex toys which is probably one of the reasons why your boyfriend thinks they’re gross. What’s great about sex toys is that they let you do things that you normally wouldn’t be able to and they let you experience sensations that you normally wouldn’t be able to experience. That’s an important point to reinforce when you talk to your boyfriend about the sex toy thing again. Also, make sure that you let him know that the sex toys aren’t a replacement. What you could also try is using a sex toy that both of you can enjoy, like a vibrating penis ring. And as a side note, when you go shopping make sure you go a store that will be able to answer your questions. There are a lot of sex toys out there and you want to make sure that you’re getting one that’s right for you.

3) Lastly (and this is just because I’m in the Valentine’s Day spirit), while your suggestions are definitely popular ones you might want to try approaching this whole thing from a different angle. Start with something a little bit more traditional like erotic massages or specialty lubes. These things tend to be non-threatening and a great first step to exploring what else is out there. And if you haven’t been to a sex toy store yet, it’s often less intimidating going if you’re there to look at lube or massage oils.

Ultimately, this shouldn’t be such a frustrating process. This is the fun stuff! Have a conversation about what your limits are and then you can get started. I’m sure you’ll be experts in no time.

I’ve been good friends with this guy for 3 years and in the beginning we had a thing for each other but it never worked out. We go to different schools now but we still talk to each other a lot and our mutual friends think that we should date. He kept asking me out until about a year ago but friends have told me that he’s a player and that he has other girls. The problem is that now I’m starting to like him a lot and I don’t know if I should tell him. Should I tell him or not? And I’m not sure if he would give up other girls just to be with someone who lives 2 hours away.

So let me get this straight. You used to have a thing for this guy but it didn’t work out and now that you’re at different schools you’re developing feelings for him. I think I might have a few theories:

1) Have you ever heard the saying ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’? It’s likely that distance is at least in part to blame for this emotional confusion. Think about it, you’ve tried it out and it didn’t work and now that you’re not seeing each other regularly (I’m assuming) you start to develop feelings for him again. For the most part, the more time you spend with someone, the more the problems become noticeable. Distance glosses over most of the imperfection and over time, you begin to forget about the problems.

2) You might be missing his attention. You mentioned that he asked you out repeatedly after your thing fizzled and that he stopped about a year ago. It’s flattering being chased and when it goes away it makes you want that attention back.

3) If you aren’t currently in a relationship it’s possible that you’re just missing being in one. Sometimes when we’re single we reconsider some of our discards and try to minimize their negative qualities to see if there was some way that we could have made it work.

That being said, you’ve got two options: tell him or don’t tell him. If you tell him, what’s the worst that could happen? He could say no but you’re luckily 2 hours away so you don’t even need to have the awkwardness of running into him all the time. Or he could say yes and you guys could give it another shot and see what comes of it. If you don’t tell him then you will either dwell on your feelings for him and they might intensify or they might eventually fade and you’ll meet someone else who’s a little bit closer to you. Either way, these are things that you need to weigh out in your mind for yourself. With regards to the other girls, that might be a part of his personality. If he is someone who is naturally very flirtatious, your jealousy of the other girls will be heightened in a long distance relationship with him. Whether he would give up the other girls to be in a long-distance relationship with you is not a question that I can answer. It’s different for different people. On the one hand lots of people are in relationships with partners that live much further away but on the other hand I’ve got friends who’ve ended relationships with their partners because they lived in Toronto. Either way, make sure you think this through a little bit more before you make your final decision.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. I really love my partner and we have great sexual chemistry but the only time I can climax is when I masturbate to porn. He used to think it was kind of hot but now it is starting to offend him. I have to fake it sometimes because I don’t know what else to do. If he knew I could never orgasm while having sex with him I think he would break up with me. Is there something I could try? Do I tell him? I’m not sure what to do.

Well, I can’t say I blame you. Sometimes fantasies are better than the real thing. That’s why they’re so popular. However, you can’t really blame your partner for being offended. Being able to pleasure someone else is a big turn on and if your partner feels like you’re getting more pleasure from something else it can eventually start to affect your sexual chemistry. It’s also possible that your partner feels threatened by your interested in porn because you seem to show more interest in it than in him.

While you can experience pleasure without requiring too much emotional involvement, achieving orgasm relies largely on psychological processes. Some element of the porn that you watch must be appealing which is why you are relying on it. While it is great that you are able to achieve orgasm in some way, you could probably figure out what it is about porn that is so much more appealing. No promises, but here are some things you might want to consider:

1) If you are always alone when you masturbate, it is possible that comfort is the issue. Achieving orgasm when you’re alone is easier because you aren’t as self-conscious. The reason that you need porn might just be because you have a hard time using your imagination to become aroused. If comfort is the reason, problem-solve solutions with your partner. Maybe you could try masturbating while he’s in the room and work your way up from there.

2) It could depend on the type of porn that you are interested in. Is the type of porn that you are interested in different from the type of sexual behaviour that you engage in? If so, ding, ding, ding, we might have found the source of the problem. Talk to your partner about exploring your other sexual interests and perhaps that will lead to additional arousal during sexual activity with him.

3) Lastly, because achieving orgasm is so psychological it is possible that you are psyching yourself out because of your previous failures. Try not to think about the actual orgasm because that will take some of the pressure off. Instead try to relax and enjoy your time with your partner.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that you know what turns you on and what doesn’t. But I think you should spend some time figuring out if you are able to be turned on in different ways. While it is up to you to decide whether or not to tell your partner about your inability to orgasm without porn, it’s important to be honest with your partner about what turns you on because you’re going to need his help. Unlike masturbation, this isn’t something you can do alone. It won’t be easy but practice makes perfect. And this is something that is definitely worth perfecting, wouldn’t you say?

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half, and we have always been pretty open and honest with each other. Recently, she confessed out of the blue that she has been thinking about sleeping with other guys, and now she wants to try having an “open relationship”. I don’t even know what to think of all this: on the one hand I don’t want to lose my girlfriend and I‘m pretty sure this will destroy our relationship, but what if I kind of want to sleep with someone else as well? I have never been so confused in my life – tell me SEC, what should I do?

First things first…am I invited to this party? It kind of sounds like fun. But seriously, believe it or not this is a pretty common problem; although, most people don’t end up asking their partners if it’s a possibility. Without getting overly philosophical, my personal view of relationships is that we expect too much from them. As human beings, we have a lot of needs and it’s impossible for a single other person to meet all of them. Sex therapists claim that while we value predictability in our relationships and that we prefer unpredictability when it comes to sex and our fantasies. Whether or not this is the relationship kiss-of-death really depends on your girlfriend (and you).

1) You should ask her where her need to sleep with other people is stemming from. Is her telling you that she wants to see other people a break-up in disguise or is she interested in exploring other avenues but still very much interested in her current relationship?

2) Are you the type of person who will be okay with this? It’s okay to say ‘no’. To be honest, I don’t know if I would be. Maybe a part of it is because I was an only child and I never learned how to share. But I think that most people would feel threatened by the idea of someone else having ‘access’ to their significant other.

Keep in mind that open relationships can work. It really just depends on the people involved. And while I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, communication really is the key. Make sure that you are communicating what your concerns are with what she has brought up and make sure that she is expressing her own concerns as well. Also, it’s possible that her desire to sleep with other men is symptomatic of something else. It’s possible that she wants to achieve something sexually that she doesn’t think that you will be able to provide her with. Before agreeing to anything, I would recommend that you are both very clear about your expectations and reasons for taking this path.

A few months ago my boyfriend and I were studying late on campus and we were both going a little bit bonkers so we found a secluded area of the school and had sex. It was actually really fun but the trouble is that now he wants to do it all the time. It’s not really a big deal for him because he goes to a different school but I would be so embarrassed if we got caught. What should I do?

Okay, so the first thing you should do is email me some of these locations. But seriously public sex can be exciting and most importantly convenient. Of course, there are a lot of problems that can arise from this adventure; the biggest one being getting caught. While I can’t speak from personal experience I’m sure that the school doesn’t take too kindly to students who get caught having sex on school grounds. So it might be wise to re-evaluate any future endeavors. While I’m sure that there are a lot of different reasons that your boyfriend wants to keep having sex on campus, I don’t know all of the details of your situation so I’ll make a few different suggestions:

1) It is possible your boyfriend enjoys the idea of getting caught. Unfortunately you are the one taking the bigger risk because it’s your campus. It’s important to talk to your boyfriend about your concern over getting trouble and being embarrassed. Perhaps you could suggest an alternative to public sex, like role-playing. Role-playing could help spice up your sex life and it would be less risky (depending on the role-play, of course). Also, while your housemates (ie. family or roommates) wouldn’t appreciate it, you could have sex in some of the common rooms in your homes. That way you could still experience the rush that comes from potentially getting caught without the fear of academic penalty.

2) Also, it’s possible that the idea of public sex is so appealing to your boyfriend because you aren’t having sex as frequently. Student life can be hectic and filled with all-night study sessions which sometimes leaves very little room for sex. If that’s the case, try studying or doing work in places where you can have sex if and when the mood strikes. Hopefully these places will be conducive to getting work done as well. But it’s all about priorities, right?

This situation, like all other relationship issues comes down to finding a middle ground. It’s important for your comfort level to be taken into consideration but so is having a mutually fulfilling sex life. Above all else, don’t ignore this problem thinking that it will go away if you keep refusing because it will likely become a source of conflict in your relationship.

I've been messing around with this guy who I thought I liked. It lasted for quite awhile. But, when things started to get serious, I started to realize that I was only doing it to get over this other guy. The guy that I was messing around with recently told me that he loves me. I was honest enough to tell him that I had feelings for someone else and now he’s stopped talking to me. I want to stay friends with him but he is ignoring me and going out of his way to avoid me. Should I continue to try and stay friends with him? Or, should I just leave him alone?

Ouch! He told you that he loved you and you told him that you wanted someone else? I know that you probably thought that you were doing the right thing but expecting him to take it well seems like a little bit too much to ask.

1) Put yourself in his shoes, if someone said that to you what would you want? Probably some time and space. Most likely he is hurt and feels a little bit foolish. I think that seeing and talking to you might intensify anything that he’s feeling right now. Give him some time to decide what he wants to do and respect the decision that he makes. Rejection is really hard to get over and it’s possible that he might not get over it.

2) Kudos for being honest, but expecting him to respect your honesty right away seems unrealistic. Also, it seems like he’s being honest with you in return by showing you that he doesn’t want to be around you right now. You did the right thing by telling him how you feel because it would have been worse if you had led him on. But it seems like you aren’t really respecting his decision to choose whether or not he wants to continue your friendship. It’s understandable that you want to remain friends with him because there is obviously a reason that you two became close to begin with and why he ended up feeling so strongly about you but things have changed and that might permanently affect your friendship.

Keep in mind that it’s impossible to be friends with someone who is actively avoiding you. I think you should let him know the reasons why you value your friendship with him and don’t want it to end but ultimately the decision to stay friends with you is up to him. Also, I would try giving him some time so that the some of the hurt feelings that he experienced from being rejected can fade.

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for almost 4 years now and we’ve always been open with each other. We’ve obviously had our share of problems but they were mostly small. The thing is I’ve always had this big problem with his best friend that I’ve never really brought it up with him. For almost his entire life he’s been best friends with this really pretty and cute girl and I like her a lot too but I can’t help but feel threatened. I trust my boyfriend, but he’s told me that they dated when they were teenagers and I feel like it could happen again. They are really close and they spend a lot of time together. How do I know if I’m being paranoid?

Well, it’s hard to really answer this without knowing more about your situation. I can say that based on what you’ve described so far that you aren’t being paranoid. Paranoia is an irrational fear but the jealousy that you’re describing doesn’t seem pretty rational: your boyfriend is spending a lot of time with someone who is attractive and they have a history. I think what you’re feeling is completely justified. In this situation there’s really only one thing that I can suggest: talk to him.

So often, the smallest problems turn into big deals because we keep them to ourselves. You’ve been dating your boyfriend for quite some time and I imagine your jealousy must grow every time he says he’s spending time with her. I’m assuming that you don’t want to come across as the stereotypical jealous girlfriend by telling him that you are insecure about his friendship, but chances are that there’s nothing going on and talking to him about it will likely make you feel better about it. He’s been friends with her his whole life and he’s known you for much less time than that and when it came down to picking a girlfriend, he chose you. That actually says a lot about how he feels about you. I get that it can seem like there’s more there because they used to date but there is a reason that that relationship ended and why they decided to be friends instead. Talking to him about this jealousy will help him be more considerate of you when he’s spending time with her and it might even be a relief to finally get this out in the open. And if it turns out that you weren’t just being paranoid and that something is actually going on, you will have found out about it sooner rather than later.

When it comes to insecurities, being open is always the best approach because over time it starts to affect your relationship more and more. A good partner should be willing to put up with irrational fears and insecurities because everybody has them. The first step to fixing this problem is talking about it, and I know that that’s easier said than done.